Would I though?
This morning I achieved a personal goal that I have been working towards for a very long time.
I ate 10 scones at brunch.
Suffice it to say, I could not make it back to my room, and had to sit and digest for a good hour before I could even think of standing up.
After laying on my stomach for an hour, trying to deal with the food coma, I decided to give exercise a try. I know, what was I thinking?
I decided to try out a class called “Ballet Bootcamp” at the gym. When I entered, I discovered a sassy gay ginger would be teaching the class. Sassy Gay Ginger played the music (which was impeccable by the way) and all the other girls began plieing and releveing and doing other french things that I do not understand. After an hour of doing jazz hands in an effort to disguise my incompetence in ballet, I was forced to do push ups.
When I couldn’t make it past 5, I just sort of slumped onto my stomach on my mat. At this point, Sassy Gay Ginger looked right at me and said:
"Looks like somebody isn’t getting a date for Valentine’s Day"
Homeboy, I haven’t had a date in 20 years, let alone one on Valentine’s Day. What else ya got?
I have always thought of myself as a humorous, witty person. I always consoled myself with the fact that I would eventually attract a life partner based on an appreciation of my impeccable comedic timing.
With this knowledge in mind, I decided to try out for my college’s improv team.
My inner monologue:
I’m so hilarious, they’ll have to accept me on the team. I mean my last tumblr post had 3 likes on it. I’M SO IN!
I entered the room with the swagger of a queen gracing her lowly peasants with her presence. Our audition consisted of improv games with each other. The first one consisted of dancing and feeling the energy of each other. If you recall (Dating Tip #1 and Dating Tip #7), this sort of the thing is right up my alley. I started interpretative dancing, but no one was attracted to my aura. No matter, they would eventually flock over to me. I was so engrossed in my movements, that I didn’t realize that everyone had joined and created a dance circle. When I glanced up, I discovered that I was the only one on the outskirts gathering the spirits of nature through dance.
I sat down immediately after. It was a minor setback, no big deal. I would blow them away with the next game. The next game had us line up in two different lines: A and B. Line A would set up the scene, Line B would have to respond, and Line A would end the scene. I thought of a perfect Harry Potter scene and proceeded to Line A. It seems like everyone thought the same way as I did because the mediators asked some of us to move to Line B. Unfortunately, this included me. When I got to the front of the line, the scene proceeded as such:
Line A partner: “I’m adopted?!”
Line A Partner: Tell the truth!
Line A Partner: Answer me.
And I sprinted out of there. So in addition to bombing my improv addition, I came to the shattering realization that my sole skill to find a life partner doesn’t actually exist. So I guess I will spend eternity alone with my cats.
1. “No, that haircut doesn’t make you look like a boy.”
2. “Let me get my camera. You look so cute dressed as a whoopie cushion!”
3. “I think it’s a great idea for you to knit yourself a poncho.”
4. “Always choose comfort over style” (This explains why I can no longer wear pants)
5. “You’ll find a man eventually.”
Haha, jokes. Your lies have sabotaged all chances of #5 ever occurring.
P.s. Allegra also thinks Disha looked cute dressed as a whoopie cushion.
Ellen, tackling the real issues.